As we move through family month at The River Church and talk about the roles within the family, this can be a very sensitive topic for many people. The idea that the husband is the head of the household and the wife is supposed to submit to the husband's leadership can cause an immediate backlash. This could be due to many factors, but I believe the most prominent one would be the long history of husbands abusing their leadership role in the family. It's not something that is unique to our time, this has been a struggle forever. I've read before about how ancient texts used to describe that husbands were urged to rule over or be domineering towards their wives. That is typically what people think of when they hear that the husband is supposed to be the head of the household. Husbands failing to fulfill their role in the way God intended them to has unfortunately caused our world to move away from the biblical commands for a husband and follow a more secular, progressive view of marriage.
However, I hope that as we study the foundations of the family, we see truly how a husband is supposed to lead. His leadership and headship over the family are not meant to be used to abuse his wife, but rather are meant to reflect the love that Christ has for the church.
1. What are some struggles you have with the idea that the husband is the head of the marriage/household?
2. What are some struggles the world has with that view of marriage?
Now that we addressed the elephant in the room, I want us to look at what is the foundation for how the husband is meant to lead his wife and his family. Put very simply the foundation is love, and more specifically it is the love of Christ. This is essential for us to understand. If we don't grasp this understanding then we miss the point completely of how a husband is supposed to lead, and as husbands, we will fail in what God is calling us to do. There are many ways that husbands are meant to follow the example of Christ's love, but I want to look at just two of them in this lesson.
Let's look at the first way Paul says husbands are supposed to follow the example of Christ's love for the church. "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25). The first example the husband is supposed to follow is how Christ gave Himself up for the church. This is the first and foremost thing that husbands are meant to follow. Christ stepped down from glory and came to earth so that He could serve rather than be served. He came to die for sinners who don't deserve it precisely because He loved us so much. In the same way, husbands are meant to reflect this love for their wives.
This sort of love is self-sacrificial, it counts the other person's needs before our own, and it shows that the husband is meant to use his leadership not for his gain but rather for the betterment of his wife.
3. What are some ways a husband can show this sort of love to his wife?
4. How might your marriage benefit from loving your wife this way?
5. Does trying to live up to the standard of Christ (perfection) discourage you in any way?
The second way I want to look at comes a few verses later. "In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. ‘For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5:28-33
The important thing to see here is that in the same way that Christ cares for the church, and we care for our own body, we need to care for our wife as well. This is again coming back to the self-sacrificial love that Christ showed for us. Not only that, but when we enter into the marriage covenant we see that God says the two shall become one flesh. This is the purpose of marriage. It is meant to give us a glimpse of what our union with Christ is like.
6. What are some of the implications of the husband and wife becoming one flesh?
7. How has knowing that you have become "one flesh" with your spouse helped you in your marriage?
8. Why is it important to view loving your wife as loving yourself?
9. What should viewing marriage as a representation of Christ and the church motivate you to do?
Now, I'm sure that reading about how we are to follow the example of Christ in our marriage can make us feel terrible about the ways we are currently falling short. That is okay, we are all going to make mistakes and constantly fail. We are not meant to be perfect like Christ because we can't. We are meant to follow His example as best as we can through the power of the Holy Spirit.
10. What are some ways you, as the husband, need to change the way you love your life wife this week?
11. Wives, what are some ways that your husband is following the example of Christ in your marriage? Share those with him.
We need to remember what the true foundation of our roles as husbands is. If we start to change the way we lead to loving like Christ we will see our marriages and families thrive in ways we have never seen before. Let us seek to lead the way Christ led, love the way Christ loves, and so build our family on the foundation of Christ's example and bring glory and honor to His name.